| A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days." |
| What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire? Dracowla! |
| Q: What are the small bumps around a woman s nipples for? A: It's Braille for 'Suck here.' |
| Why did the dog run in circles? He was a watchdog and needed winding. |
| What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it ? Nothing, it just let out a little wine ! |
| What do you give a sick horse? Cough stirrup. |
| An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage." The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage." |
| Q: What's the best way to kill a man? A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one. |
| - When the general comes, report to me immediately. The general doesn't show. The sergeant gets nervous and every hour reminds the sentry to report about the general's arrival. Finally, the general comes in. - Where have you been? asks the sentry. The sergeant has already asked about you four times. |
| 'Here's a good book,' said the sales assistant in the book shop to Mrs Monster. 'How To Help Your Husband Get Ahead.' 'No, thank you,' said Mrs Monster. 'My husband's got two heads already. . .' |
| What do you call an unusual rabbit? A rare hare. |
| Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Honda...because the apostles were all in one Accord. |
| One day a man met three beggars. To the first he gave a dime, to the second a dime, and to the third a nickel. What time was it? A quarter to three. |
| Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please" |
| Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to Taco Bell, they run for the border !! |
| When do cannibals cook you? On Fried-days. |
| Did you hear about the witch who was ashamed of her long black hair? She always wore long gloves to cover it up. |
| Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance." |
| There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Hippie Barbie ...complete with simulated controlled substances and paraphernalia |
| On the first day his son joined the family firm, the founder took him on to the roof of the factory building and said, 'I am going to give you your very first lesson in business. Stand on the edge of the roof.' Reluctantly, the boy went to stand on the edge of the roof. 'Now,' said his father, 'when I say, "Jump," I want you to jump off the roof.' 'But, Dad,' said the boy, 'there's a huge drop!' 'Do you want to succeed in business?' 'Yes, Dad.' 'And you trust me, don't you?' 'Yes, Dad.' 'So do as I say and jump.' The boy jumped. He crashed to the ground and lay there, winded and bruised. His father went racing down the stairs and ran up to him. That was your first lesson in business, son. Never trust anyone.' |
| What did one dairy cow say to another? Got milk? |
| Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? Use a pencil till I get there |
| Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street? They were arch enemies. |
| What has eighteen legs and fetches a ball? The Philadelphia Beagles! |
| What kind of dog always needs a shave? A bearded collie! |
